Beginning of New Things 2011 Edition

Well I sent 2010 in a bang so to speak .. I was in the hospital for a couple of days .. While i was in there found out that I'm diabetic .. which is fine .. cuz the I'm not on insulin .. all i have to do is lose this weight .. I can come off this meds .. Guess what I'm a mission to do .. I refuse to be taking meds .. I didn't really like all this fluffiness anyway .. Just my cheeks .. LOL .. any way .. I finally got in touch with my daughter's grandmother .. Yes I'm glad that i did .. I kept her son last child away from her for years for stupidity .. Cuz a man said so .. so to speak .. trying to make everything ok with him .. then something in me just clicked I was like WTH .. for what .. you are not her ppl .. she needs to know who she is .. and that is what i did .. my baby girl spent the weekend with her .. and she didn't want to come home .. like she knew her all her life .. I know she had a lot of questions about her dad .. he died before she was born .. he didn't even get to see her .. but i know that he has seen her .. he probably has been haunting my ass for keeping her away from his mother .. but its all good now .. she is back where she belongs .. and there is where she will stay .. so one grandma down .. one to go .. Now my sons grandmother is a whole other ball game .. from what i can tell .. my son's dad and his mother has not spoken in years because of an argument they had .. and she in cut everything him including his kids out her life .. i hope I'm wrong about that .. but i don't see how my son has anything to do with that if so .. so i am determined for her to get in my son's life .. children need to know who their family is .. shoot grow up and find out they dating their cousin or sister or brother or something .. cuz lords knows my son's father has A LOT of children spread across this world .. not my fault that he doesn't talk to his mother .. she needs to know her grand child .. but I'm gonna pray on that situation and see what the outcome will be .. hopefully it will be a good outcome .. as for me .. i finally let go of all things that i was not suppose to be holding onto and hindering my own self .. now i just sit back and watch things as they go down .. KARMA IS A BITCH .. enough about that .. i really didn't make any resolutions .. I'm just gonna stay prayed up and take it one day at a time .. come what may ..

Til Next Time


~Just As I Am~

When Death Comes Knocking

You don't know when your card will be pulled .. All you can do is be ready when it does .. Its not just older people leaving here anymore .. Its the younger too .. You know the bible does speak .. He is going to get his before the devil takes over .. Lord He is getting his .. By any means necessary .. I went to see a friend yesterday .. We laughed and talked for a while .. His brother was waiting on him so they could go do their nightly ritual of ripping & running the streets .. But I was there so his brother would come back later .. When I left .. He was on phone wit his brother .. Now when I get home .. I get call asking when last time I talked to him .. I told my homegirl I just left him .. She was trying to verify if it was true .. I didn't know yet .. So I call him .. She calls him .. Just to find out his brother is died .. Same brother my friend was talking to when I left .. I'm so numb & in a state of shock .. He was 28 .. Baby of his family .. You don't know when your time is up .. It really doesn't matter how old you are .. how much money you got .. how healthy your are .. Nothing matters .. NOTHING .. This hit to close to home for me .. I want to be here for my kids .. Watch them grow up .. Have kids of their own .. This is a praying time .. Time is winding up .. If you don't believe me .. Look around you at all the signs .. Cause when death comes knocking you don't have a choice but to answer .. Its how you answer that makes the difference

Til Next Time

~Just As I Am~

Drama Chaos & Confusion

When I was younger I stayed in some mess bout one thing or another .. always fighting & arguing bout something .. a lot of the things I did .. I should have been locked up for .. but thru it all .. I can say one thing .. I was in the midst of it all .. but I never repeated anything someone told me .. never .. now that I'm older .. I don't have time for foolishness .. and u find that the ppl u hang wit or deal wit as u mature still want to deal wit .. drama .. chaos .. confusion .. those the type of ppl u have to distance yourself from .. especially those that seem to thrive on that kind of stuff .. those type of ppl got to have some kind of mess going on in their lives and then if u even breath wrong around them .. u are in the middle of some mess .. well for me I don't have time for this kinds of stuff .. my patience .. my attitude and my blood pressure won't let me handle it .. I just can't do it .. I've been thru some things that won't let me handle drama .. I black out and all that .. I don't remember jack afterward .. I'm grown .. have 2 kids that I can play games with .. now these grown folks that want to do all the drama .. fine by me .. just keep me out of it .. I'm trying and am making changes for the better in my life .. I refuse to be dragged back down .. I've got plans & goals .. now if u don't like it .. that's on u .. not my fault u don't have a pot to piss in or window to throw it out of .. (excuse language) .. if u want the drama .. that's fine .. keep all those issues wit u ..

Til Next Time

~Just As I Am~

It's Past Time

It's past time to let this man go .. I've got to much going on to be holding on to this .. I talk to him bout this that & 3rd .. its a never ending circle .. its gonna end .. its gonna end now .. yeah I have lingering feelings .. I don't even think its really like that .. its just I've been wit him for so long that I don't wanna really let that go .. he has been the only man I've been wit for 13 yrs .. 13 yrs .. WOW .. but here's the chance .. we broke up .. I was the sideline chick .. then somehow or another made to take his name .. still remaining his sideline chick status .. now as of aug 25th 2010 .. I'm back to being to what I started out being .. at least that what he wants me to be .. I've been going back & forth bout that .. for what .. its a done deal wit us .. I need to get over all that .. he's moved on .. I should do the same .. well technically I have .. I just got to keep it that way .. so with that .. I'm no longer gonna be crying over spilled milk .. not literally .. so its time to clean it off the floor .. I've got the mop ..

Til Next Time

~Just As I Am~

One Day

One day my kids will understand that when they ask u for something it will be a waste of their breath .. but to miss a birthday is crazy .. I'm sure it won't be the last one though .. 1st my daughter cried herself to sleep .. now my son has that disappointed look on his face .. I'm must say I'm quite surprised at his reaction to this .. but just like I told my daughter .. I told him .. get ready for disappointment when u ask for something from him .. nothing I can do to make him do anything .. all u can do is ask .. he has to do the rest if he wants too .. eventually this pain & disappointment will go away but right now they don't understand .. but I can't help but get mad about it .. especially when u always saying cs doing this or cs doing that .. u don't have enough money to do this or do that .. yet u go and make another 1 .. yet u put bad mouth on me talking bout I'm the hoe .. gonna end up wit something penacillian can't cure .. HAHAHAHAHA .. looks like u will be doing all that before I will .. but that's neither here nor there .. one day my kids will understand that asking u for anything will be a waste of breath .. hope it comes soon .. til then I have to look at the disappointment in their eyes .. and watch them run back & forth to the window .. its all good .. I'm praying that the Lord gives me strength to help them understand and get thru this .. I'm praying that he takes away the pain and hurt it causes them .. I'm also praying that he blesses me with a very good job .. so that I may continue to provide for them as I have been doing .. without having to struggle so much .. cause Lord u know its by your grace I'm able to do it this far ..

Til Next Time

~Just As I Am~

Daddy's Love

Being that I am the only daughter my father has (Im the oldest 2) .. I have 3 brothers behind me .. But im the only girl .. HA .. Growing up I alway wanted to be with my dad .. I always wanted to go stay with my dad .. My dad couldnt do no wrong in my eyes growing up .. I loved him to death .. Worshipped the ground he walked on .. Yes I daddy'd my mom to death about that man .. I always wanted to call and talk to him too .. when I wanted something I asked my dad for it .. It was always my mom who usually got it .. 9 times out of 10 he never came through for me like i wanted him too .. some of that i blame on my mother .. cuz i do remember a lot of times she told me no i couldnt do this or that concerning my dad .. and there were times he tried to come and see me and she wouldnt let him .. o well .. as i got older .. i realized it wasnt worth the disappointment anymore .. Now that i have a daughter of my own I realize now .. that i dont want her to go thru the pain and disappointment i had to go thru growing up .. But my hands are tied when it comes to that .. I recently got her a phone .. she is constantly calling him .. But it breaks my heart to know that he said that he would do something for her or come see her ... He doesnt show up or come thru for her .. that's one ache i dont know how to heal for her .. i know exactly how she feels .. right now she keeps running from window to window looking for him .. she doesnt even want to go wash up cause she scared she might miss him .. i understand .. but what can i do .. nothing .. you would think that since she is young and very impressible right now he would want to be there for her in every way he can .. being that she is at that age now .. where she is into boys and such .. i can handle it .. but nothing like daddy's approval .. I want him to be there for her .. i dont want her to go through what i had to go through .. but what can i do .. Ive been talking to her to keep her from crying and looking sad .. it aint working .. she still want her daddy .. what am i to do ..

Extra Baggage

I refuse to take all this hurt and pain into another relationship with me .. I will stay single forever before I do that .. I will not take out on some one else what the last one done to me .. I'm gonna sit and mediate .. read my bible .. pray my way right out of all this pain and anger I feel ..Hopefully the good man upstairs will not let these feeling linger to much longer .. Next couple of hours would be nice Lord for you to get rid of them .. I don't want to end up hurt bitter resentful man hater like some one I know all to well in my family .. I just don't want to be that way .. I refuse to be that way .. Being that way from what I have seen .. will only make a person more bitter and hating everything and everyone around them .. I refuse to be that way .. Don't get me wrong .. I'm not gonna jump at the 1st thing that come my way either .. I'm far from desperate and never will be .. I'm just gonna live my life .. But taking all this ish with me is not an option .. Not an option at all ..



Til Next Time

~Just As I Am~