When Death Comes Knocking

You don't know when your card will be pulled .. All you can do is be ready when it does .. Its not just older people leaving here anymore .. Its the younger too .. You know the bible does speak .. He is going to get his before the devil takes over .. Lord He is getting his .. By any means necessary .. I went to see a friend yesterday .. We laughed and talked for a while .. His brother was waiting on him so they could go do their nightly ritual of ripping & running the streets .. But I was there so his brother would come back later .. When I left .. He was on phone wit his brother .. Now when I get home .. I get call asking when last time I talked to him .. I told my homegirl I just left him .. She was trying to verify if it was true .. I didn't know yet .. So I call him .. She calls him .. Just to find out his brother is died .. Same brother my friend was talking to when I left .. I'm so numb & in a state of shock .. He was 28 .. Baby of his family .. You don't know when your time is up .. It really doesn't matter how old you are .. how much money you got .. how healthy your are .. Nothing matters .. NOTHING .. This hit to close to home for me .. I want to be here for my kids .. Watch them grow up .. Have kids of their own .. This is a praying time .. Time is winding up .. If you don't believe me .. Look around you at all the signs .. Cause when death comes knocking you don't have a choice but to answer .. Its how you answer that makes the difference

Til Next Time

~Just As I Am~

Drama Chaos & Confusion

When I was younger I stayed in some mess bout one thing or another .. always fighting & arguing bout something .. a lot of the things I did .. I should have been locked up for .. but thru it all .. I can say one thing .. I was in the midst of it all .. but I never repeated anything someone told me .. never .. now that I'm older .. I don't have time for foolishness .. and u find that the ppl u hang wit or deal wit as u mature still want to deal wit .. drama .. chaos .. confusion .. those the type of ppl u have to distance yourself from .. especially those that seem to thrive on that kind of stuff .. those type of ppl got to have some kind of mess going on in their lives and then if u even breath wrong around them .. u are in the middle of some mess .. well for me I don't have time for this kinds of stuff .. my patience .. my attitude and my blood pressure won't let me handle it .. I just can't do it .. I've been thru some things that won't let me handle drama .. I black out and all that .. I don't remember jack afterward .. I'm grown .. have 2 kids that I can play games with .. now these grown folks that want to do all the drama .. fine by me .. just keep me out of it .. I'm trying and am making changes for the better in my life .. I refuse to be dragged back down .. I've got plans & goals .. now if u don't like it .. that's on u .. not my fault u don't have a pot to piss in or window to throw it out of .. (excuse language) .. if u want the drama .. that's fine .. keep all those issues wit u ..

Til Next Time

~Just As I Am~

It's Past Time

It's past time to let this man go .. I've got to much going on to be holding on to this .. I talk to him bout this that & 3rd .. its a never ending circle .. its gonna end .. its gonna end now .. yeah I have lingering feelings .. I don't even think its really like that .. its just I've been wit him for so long that I don't wanna really let that go .. he has been the only man I've been wit for 13 yrs .. 13 yrs .. WOW .. but here's the chance .. we broke up .. I was the sideline chick .. then somehow or another made to take his name .. still remaining his sideline chick status .. now as of aug 25th 2010 .. I'm back to being to what I started out being .. at least that what he wants me to be .. I've been going back & forth bout that .. for what .. its a done deal wit us .. I need to get over all that .. he's moved on .. I should do the same .. well technically I have .. I just got to keep it that way .. so with that .. I'm no longer gonna be crying over spilled milk .. not literally .. so its time to clean it off the floor .. I've got the mop ..

Til Next Time

~Just As I Am~

One Day

One day my kids will understand that when they ask u for something it will be a waste of their breath .. but to miss a birthday is crazy .. I'm sure it won't be the last one though .. 1st my daughter cried herself to sleep .. now my son has that disappointed look on his face .. I'm must say I'm quite surprised at his reaction to this .. but just like I told my daughter .. I told him .. get ready for disappointment when u ask for something from him .. nothing I can do to make him do anything .. all u can do is ask .. he has to do the rest if he wants too .. eventually this pain & disappointment will go away but right now they don't understand .. but I can't help but get mad about it .. especially when u always saying cs doing this or cs doing that .. u don't have enough money to do this or do that .. yet u go and make another 1 .. yet u put bad mouth on me talking bout I'm the hoe .. gonna end up wit something penacillian can't cure .. HAHAHAHAHA .. looks like u will be doing all that before I will .. but that's neither here nor there .. one day my kids will understand that asking u for anything will be a waste of breath .. hope it comes soon .. til then I have to look at the disappointment in their eyes .. and watch them run back & forth to the window .. its all good .. I'm praying that the Lord gives me strength to help them understand and get thru this .. I'm praying that he takes away the pain and hurt it causes them .. I'm also praying that he blesses me with a very good job .. so that I may continue to provide for them as I have been doing .. without having to struggle so much .. cause Lord u know its by your grace I'm able to do it this far ..

Til Next Time

~Just As I Am~

Daddy's Love

Being that I am the only daughter my father has (Im the oldest 2) .. I have 3 brothers behind me .. But im the only girl .. HA .. Growing up I alway wanted to be with my dad .. I always wanted to go stay with my dad .. My dad couldnt do no wrong in my eyes growing up .. I loved him to death .. Worshipped the ground he walked on .. Yes I daddy'd my mom to death about that man .. I always wanted to call and talk to him too .. when I wanted something I asked my dad for it .. It was always my mom who usually got it .. 9 times out of 10 he never came through for me like i wanted him too .. some of that i blame on my mother .. cuz i do remember a lot of times she told me no i couldnt do this or that concerning my dad .. and there were times he tried to come and see me and she wouldnt let him .. o well .. as i got older .. i realized it wasnt worth the disappointment anymore .. Now that i have a daughter of my own I realize now .. that i dont want her to go thru the pain and disappointment i had to go thru growing up .. But my hands are tied when it comes to that .. I recently got her a phone .. she is constantly calling him .. But it breaks my heart to know that he said that he would do something for her or come see her ... He doesnt show up or come thru for her .. that's one ache i dont know how to heal for her .. i know exactly how she feels .. right now she keeps running from window to window looking for him .. she doesnt even want to go wash up cause she scared she might miss him .. i understand .. but what can i do .. nothing .. you would think that since she is young and very impressible right now he would want to be there for her in every way he can .. being that she is at that age now .. where she is into boys and such .. i can handle it .. but nothing like daddy's approval .. I want him to be there for her .. i dont want her to go through what i had to go through .. but what can i do .. Ive been talking to her to keep her from crying and looking sad .. it aint working .. she still want her daddy .. what am i to do ..

Extra Baggage

I refuse to take all this hurt and pain into another relationship with me .. I will stay single forever before I do that .. I will not take out on some one else what the last one done to me .. I'm gonna sit and mediate .. read my bible .. pray my way right out of all this pain and anger I feel ..Hopefully the good man upstairs will not let these feeling linger to much longer .. Next couple of hours would be nice Lord for you to get rid of them .. I don't want to end up hurt bitter resentful man hater like some one I know all to well in my family .. I just don't want to be that way .. I refuse to be that way .. Being that way from what I have seen .. will only make a person more bitter and hating everything and everyone around them .. I refuse to be that way .. Don't get me wrong .. I'm not gonna jump at the 1st thing that come my way either .. I'm far from desperate and never will be .. I'm just gonna live my life .. But taking all this ish with me is not an option .. Not an option at all ..



Til Next Time

~Just As I Am~

Officially Single

Well I got my divorce decree today .. Feels a little weird .. After all this long time .. Its all over .. As this chapter closes .. Single life chapter begins .. O well .. But technically Ive been single for that last 4 years anyway .. Its just now the piece of paper says that I am .. Im feeling a little numb about the whole thing .. I cant feel anything really .. How am I suppose to feel .. After all I knew it was gonna happen .. Its just now that I see it in black & white .. Its seem so surreal .. Definitely a learning experience .. Not to do it again .. EVER .. a piece of paper changes people .. which it shouldnt have .. but it did .. well that chapter of my life is closed .. but ill still always and forever will be KDL 4 Lyfe

August 25, 2010

August 25, 2010 is the beginning of my new single life .. Yep my divorce was final .. I'm feeling a little numb bout the whole thing .. After all it took almost 2 years to complete being that i did it all on my own .. No Lawyer .. But its done now .. We are cool .. We had our ups and downs .. good and bad .. UGLY .. ins and outs .. more negative then good most of the time .. Only time we got along was when we were sexing .. LOL .. that we had no problem with .. It was everything else we had a problem .. But all in all .. its over and done with .. I still cant figure out why I feeling so numb about this .. After all I knew that this day was coming .. Maybe it is a good thing .. I have been going through a lot of emotions the last couple of weeks up to this day .. So feeling numb is maybe a good thing .. I just wish that he cant give the porn star sex that we had to someone else ... LMAO .. Got to let that go to .. O well .. So now that day has come to take back my former name .. Ive got a lot of papers to change .. UGH .. Hopefully it will be a smooth transition .. But its over now .. FREEDOM

Moving On

Now its time to move on .. I have to accept & face facts for what they are .. I've held on to this long enough .. I prayed that all this would be over & done .. I tried to block out what I was feeling .. Then in blink of an eye .. I came face to face wit reality .. All those feelings I thought I had under control came flooding back .. I spazzed .. I was hurt .. I was so hurt .. Moving on now .. I'm gonna throw myself into loving me more .. Being a better mother to my kids .. They are at ages where they need more & more every other day .. LOL .. I need to stay focus .. Joy does come in the morning .. So thanks reality for being true to what you are .. Reality

Til Next Time

~Just As I Am~

Father's Day

Now today is Father's Day .. but what really is a father these days and times .. its more then giving your child their last name .. it more then signing the birth certificate .. it more then paying child support if the mother gets any .. its more then saying those my kids .. let's see .. father is going to be in their childs life come hell or high water .. there is nothing a mother could do about it .. fathers are going to be there to protect their children from hurt harm or danger .. fathers should be the ones that invoke fear into their children when that child no they done messed up .. fathers should be there to tell their daughters this dude is wrong dude .. fathers should be there to tell their sons how to be a man .. I'm not saying that there aren't men out there that aren't handling their biz .. cuz there are .. then there are the men that pay child support and call that being enough .. they hate their kids mother so much cuz she had baby that the baby goes wit out .. or say she keeping me from my child .. if a father really wants to be in their childs life .. there isn't a court or judge that will tell him he can't .. unless he done did some crazy shit .. once he got that order there is nothing that mother can say or do .. there are of mothers taking on role of being fathers .. why .. who else is gonna do it .. granted mothers can't teach a lil boy everything .. but all she can do is hope & pray that what she does teach him to be ready for what the world has to offer and hope that he makes right decisions in life .. so again I ask .. What Really Is A Father

Til Next Time

~Just As I Am~

Beach Body

I am a 4'll" 250 lb female. ... Shut up don't judge me ... I am to short to be weighing this much ... I have decided to do something about it ... I have decided to seriously get rid of this weight ... For health reasons and so I will be feel better ... I wasn't this heavy even when I was pregnant with either one of my kids ... I didn't get this heavy .. I blame it on the lifestyle I started leading ... I got comfortable thinking that I would never get any bigger then I was .. I went from being 120-130 lbs to over 200 lbs in a matter of months ... Now I'm on a mission to get rid of all this weight ... I want what I had back .. I got my P90X kit today .. Starting Monday its on and popping ... I heard good things about those videos and I hope they are worth every penny ... $120 ... Its going to be hard work ... But I'm willing and able to do ... So watch out world ... Amanda is coming back with a vengeance

Til Next Time

~Just As I Am~

Its amazing how effective this word is .... NO .... U really forget meaning until somebody cuts u wit it .. Today I was suppose to see if I could get this job ... $17/hr ... SMH .. Had to pass on it .. Cuz u told me I couldn't borrow ur car ... I'll admit I was feeling some type of way bout .. Especially reason u gave me .. But hey .. I went prayed about it .. I'm ok now .. But after telling me .. No .. Look what u turn round ask me .. To do something for u .. WOW .. Just that fast tables have turned .. So now u gonna cuss me out cuz I told u .. No .. But u no what I should have said .. Yes .. Then u would have felt bad for telling me .. No .. Its all good .. Cuz I always say .. Yes .. When I should be saying .. No .. Let's see how .. No .. Works ..

Til Next Time

Just As I Am

Its Over

U no I'm breathing easier now .. I hear things clearer .. I see things clearer .. Its amazing how things turn out when u just let go .. When u no that u truly let go .. When u find out something that u would normally trip bout .. Instead u laugh it off .. Cuz once again the lie u told .. Actual truth of it finally revealed its self .. Like it always does .. Its all good .. As I walk on this journey called life .. I'm sure there will be more things that will come to pass .. I'm ready .. Wit the Lord on my side I'm ready ..

Til Next Time

~Just As I Am~

One Flaw

One Flaw In Women

Women have strengths that amaze men.

They bear hardships and they carry burdens,

but they hold happiness, love and joy.

They smile when they want to scream.

They sing when they want to cry.

They cry when they are happy

and laugh when they are nervous.

They fight for what they believe in.

They stand up to injustice.

They don't take "no" for an answer

when they believe there is a better solution.

They go without so their family can have.

They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.

They love unconditionally.

They cry when their children excel

and cheer when their friends get awards.

They are happy when they hear about

a birth or a wedding.

Their hearts break when a friend dies.

They grieve at the loss of a family member,

yet they are strong when they

think there is no strength left.

They know that a hug and a kiss

can heal a broken heart.

Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.

They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you

to show how much they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what

makes the world keep turning.

They bring joy, hope and love.

They have compassion and ideas.

They give moral support to their

family and friends.

Women have vital things to say

and everything to give.

HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,

IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

Epiphany

Other day I was just sitting round thinking ... Ppl do that a lot more when u are unemployed ... (temporary state of being) ... Any who ... I've been holding onto unnecessary crap ... I was like ... What for ... More drama more pain more heartache more tears more what ifs more unanswered questions ... I'll pass on all that now ... I've got 2 beautiful kids to live for ... I've been running from getting myself together for a long time ... Lord will bless me wit car ... New home ... Good job ... Happiness ... Peace of mind ... Then in a blink of an eye ... I lose it all ... ALL of it gone ... U see u can't pray & ask Lord for things then He gives them to u & not do what he asks u to do in return ... In my case I half way did what I was suppose to ... Y ... Cuz Lord said I should let something go ... But I held on to it ... Like it was something I needed ... Come to find out ... I really
don't ... So now I'm fully completely whole heartedly giving it all up to Him ... I'm not running any more ... I'm not letting any more blessings be snatched away from me ... I'm not starting over any more ... I submit Lord ... I submit ...

Til Next Time

Just As I Am

I'm Pissed

This year I got the pleasure of being audited ... Yippee ... Yeah rite ... I found out day I was suppose to get my refund ... I could have spit fire that day ... I called I. R. S. next day to find out what I needed to do ... I took my time filled out all papers they sent me ... Sent in all the papers they told me to send ... Mind u now reason why I'm being audited is cuz they were questioning whether or not children I claimed were mine ... Hell Yeah they are mine ... If there was a mix up at hospital its too late now ... I wanted to ask I. R. S. agents I spoke to did they want pics of stretch marks ... Cuz I no which child gave them to me ... Like they don't know these my kids ... My refund was suppose to be good chuck of change this year ... Round $8000 this year ... Love those school credits ... Biggest I have ever got ... So I've been playing waiting game wit govt ... Something told
me to check my acct ... I did ... There some $$$$$ in there from some place I never heard of ... I called my bank asked where this $800 come from ... This woman tell me its my tax refund ... ITS MY WHAT!!!! ... RU SERIOUS!!! ... Where is the rest of it ...

To Be Continued

Til Next Time

Just As I Am

Thoughts

My life has been up & down .. Up & down .. Where does it all start to just come together at a stable level .. And just have a bump .. Instead I get flatten as a pancake ... I can admit there were things that happen in my life that could have been prevented ... And like any one else if I could turn back the hands of time .. I would in a heart beat ... I just want to be able to get through life wit out having to start over ...

Til Next Time

Just As I Am

Reputation

When u are young u really don't think about some of the things u do at the time. U just do them. But sometimes u do think about them and don't do them. All in all what I'm saying is. What u do follows u in your future. Especially as a female. I know for a fact a lot of things that were said bout me or did ... I didn't do. But cuz a few ppl don't like u or u hung out wit ppl who did .. U were doing it too .. Now as an adult u some of this ppl that disliked u and they still talking crazy cuz they believed all the stuff they heard ... I was never type of person to be fighting all the time ... I was scary as hell ... I ran from a fight ... I was never the type of person to give away the goodies either ... I was a tease ... Which wasn't any better ... I didn't just randomly have sex with in and everybody ... Hell No .. A lot of the guys that said they did get it ... Didn't ... But cuz I
was a tease ... Somewhere story got twisted in their minds I did all kinds of things ... So the next person thought they were going to get same treatment ... Ha!!! ... I never did any of those things ... Anywho ... I'm an adult now ... I still sometimes find myself defending myself against some of these things ... WOW ... A lot of ppl need to grow up ... Let go of the lies that heard told and repeated over the years ... I never was that person that u heard about ... Lot of ppl never got to no me to find out ... If u really knew me u would no ... Even still to this day I have to wonder what if I listened and not run round like I did ... Or try to .. Cuz if u no my mommy she didn't play that .. What if I stayed in house all time ... Would I still be labeled that person ... Never no .. Its all part of life ... I pray a lot more ...

Til next time

Just As I Am

U Really Don't Know Me

After all this time it took a stupid as statement for me to really realize you don't know me .. WOW .. Now I have the confirmation I need that we don't need to be together .. We never did .. You see the thing you said .. You were actually talking bout me and my past .. If you had known that .. Would you have said something so stupid .. So hurtful .. And if you did know would you have said it any way .. Either way in my book .. You really don't know me .. How could you have ever cared .. When you really don't know me .. It really explains a lot now .. Every day I pick up a little new thing bout you that I never saw or thought before .. Now I don't want to see anymore .. I'm not suppose to hurt like this .. So I'm taking my leave .. Permanent leave from your life .. Cuz you really don't know me

Til Next Time

~Just As I Am~

Deadbeat

I am grown now .. Y in devil u wait til I got grown to want to play daddy .. Where were u when I was growing up & needed u the most .. Yes my mother is Evil .. But I couldn't even see an effort on your part .. Now that I'm grown u want to try to put me on the straight & narrow like I'm a child .. Is this the same straight & narrow that u put my knuckle head brother on ... Hmmm .. Now he's locked up .. No father dear I really don't need u these days .. I really gave up when I came to u asking to help pay my rent cuz I didnt have it .. I wasn't working at time u no .. All u offered me was a pitiful I don't have it & $20 .. Yeah I took the money .. I wasn't crazy .. But I knew u had money to help me to .. U just got ur settlement money .. Don't get me wrong I would have love to have been given chuck of it .. But all I wanted was my rent paid .. So me and your grandchildren wouldnt be on
the street .. But I couldn't get that .. Wit ur girl friend wit bad wig grinning at me ... WOW .. Now I'm back on my feet .. Plan to stay that way .. But u don't burn bridges .. I cut some ppl places and things out my life since that day .. U ran into me in Wal Mart .. Ur lil girl friend pass by u and didn't even blink twice if at all in ur direction .. I ask isn't that ur girl friend .. U roll ur eyes .. Then I say .. O money gone now me and ur grandkids couldn't even get a dime .. Damn shame .. So now u want to be all up under me .. Trying to run my life .. No thanks .. I'll pass .. Cuz when I really need u .. As always u were never there ..

Til next time

~Just As I Am~

I'm Back

I'm back haven't been on here in a minute. I think I should start using my blog on the regular to keep me from holding all my feeling inside and to keep me from cracking up doing that. Some time I will be blogging from my phone. I just love my BB. so if the blog looks weird that is why. Feel free to comment. I know how to use the delete if you get outrageous ... But all in all the blog I'm going to be about my feelings and how i feeling at the moment. Not to offend anyone. But if the shoe fits it is what it is ...


Til Next Time

~Just As I Am~

Its Time For My Bailout

I have made it over the Christmas holidays. I'm not complaining that it wasn't good. It was better then great. But now, I'm BROKE. Can I please get a bailout. I don't need millions like some are getting but I wouldn't be a fool and turn it down either. I just a little bit to get me over the hump. We in recession you know. Where the devil are my W-2's? That would be a great help if I could get my refund to pay off some of these bills. Seems like every year the wait gets longer and longer waiting for them things. Send them out already. Good Grief as Charlie Brown would say. LOL

Til Next time

~Just As I Am~