One Day

One day my kids will understand that when they ask u for something it will be a waste of their breath .. but to miss a birthday is crazy .. I'm sure it won't be the last one though .. 1st my daughter cried herself to sleep .. now my son has that disappointed look on his face .. I'm must say I'm quite surprised at his reaction to this .. but just like I told my daughter .. I told him .. get ready for disappointment when u ask for something from him .. nothing I can do to make him do anything .. all u can do is ask .. he has to do the rest if he wants too .. eventually this pain & disappointment will go away but right now they don't understand .. but I can't help but get mad about it .. especially when u always saying cs doing this or cs doing that .. u don't have enough money to do this or do that .. yet u go and make another 1 .. yet u put bad mouth on me talking bout I'm the hoe .. gonna end up wit something penacillian can't cure .. HAHAHAHAHA .. looks like u will be doing all that before I will .. but that's neither here nor there .. one day my kids will understand that asking u for anything will be a waste of breath .. hope it comes soon .. til then I have to look at the disappointment in their eyes .. and watch them run back & forth to the window .. its all good .. I'm praying that the Lord gives me strength to help them understand and get thru this .. I'm praying that he takes away the pain and hurt it causes them .. I'm also praying that he blesses me with a very good job .. so that I may continue to provide for them as I have been doing .. without having to struggle so much .. cause Lord u know its by your grace I'm able to do it this far ..

Til Next Time

~Just As I Am~

Daddy's Love

Being that I am the only daughter my father has (Im the oldest 2) .. I have 3 brothers behind me .. But im the only girl .. HA .. Growing up I alway wanted to be with my dad .. I always wanted to go stay with my dad .. My dad couldnt do no wrong in my eyes growing up .. I loved him to death .. Worshipped the ground he walked on .. Yes I daddy'd my mom to death about that man .. I always wanted to call and talk to him too .. when I wanted something I asked my dad for it .. It was always my mom who usually got it .. 9 times out of 10 he never came through for me like i wanted him too .. some of that i blame on my mother .. cuz i do remember a lot of times she told me no i couldnt do this or that concerning my dad .. and there were times he tried to come and see me and she wouldnt let him .. o well .. as i got older .. i realized it wasnt worth the disappointment anymore .. Now that i have a daughter of my own I realize now .. that i dont want her to go thru the pain and disappointment i had to go thru growing up .. But my hands are tied when it comes to that .. I recently got her a phone .. she is constantly calling him .. But it breaks my heart to know that he said that he would do something for her or come see her ... He doesnt show up or come thru for her .. that's one ache i dont know how to heal for her .. i know exactly how she feels .. right now she keeps running from window to window looking for him .. she doesnt even want to go wash up cause she scared she might miss him .. i understand .. but what can i do .. nothing .. you would think that since she is young and very impressible right now he would want to be there for her in every way he can .. being that she is at that age now .. where she is into boys and such .. i can handle it .. but nothing like daddy's approval .. I want him to be there for her .. i dont want her to go through what i had to go through .. but what can i do .. Ive been talking to her to keep her from crying and looking sad .. it aint working .. she still want her daddy .. what am i to do ..

Extra Baggage

I refuse to take all this hurt and pain into another relationship with me .. I will stay single forever before I do that .. I will not take out on some one else what the last one done to me .. I'm gonna sit and mediate .. read my bible .. pray my way right out of all this pain and anger I feel ..Hopefully the good man upstairs will not let these feeling linger to much longer .. Next couple of hours would be nice Lord for you to get rid of them .. I don't want to end up hurt bitter resentful man hater like some one I know all to well in my family .. I just don't want to be that way .. I refuse to be that way .. Being that way from what I have seen .. will only make a person more bitter and hating everything and everyone around them .. I refuse to be that way .. Don't get me wrong .. I'm not gonna jump at the 1st thing that come my way either .. I'm far from desperate and never will be .. I'm just gonna live my life .. But taking all this ish with me is not an option .. Not an option at all ..



Til Next Time

~Just As I Am~

Officially Single

Well I got my divorce decree today .. Feels a little weird .. After all this long time .. Its all over .. As this chapter closes .. Single life chapter begins .. O well .. But technically Ive been single for that last 4 years anyway .. Its just now the piece of paper says that I am .. Im feeling a little numb about the whole thing .. I cant feel anything really .. How am I suppose to feel .. After all I knew it was gonna happen .. Its just now that I see it in black & white .. Its seem so surreal .. Definitely a learning experience .. Not to do it again .. EVER .. a piece of paper changes people .. which it shouldnt have .. but it did .. well that chapter of my life is closed .. but ill still always and forever will be KDL 4 Lyfe

August 25, 2010

August 25, 2010 is the beginning of my new single life .. Yep my divorce was final .. I'm feeling a little numb bout the whole thing .. After all it took almost 2 years to complete being that i did it all on my own .. No Lawyer .. But its done now .. We are cool .. We had our ups and downs .. good and bad .. UGLY .. ins and outs .. more negative then good most of the time .. Only time we got along was when we were sexing .. LOL .. that we had no problem with .. It was everything else we had a problem .. But all in all .. its over and done with .. I still cant figure out why I feeling so numb about this .. After all I knew that this day was coming .. Maybe it is a good thing .. I have been going through a lot of emotions the last couple of weeks up to this day .. So feeling numb is maybe a good thing .. I just wish that he cant give the porn star sex that we had to someone else ... LMAO .. Got to let that go to .. O well .. So now that day has come to take back my former name .. Ive got a lot of papers to change .. UGH .. Hopefully it will be a smooth transition .. But its over now .. FREEDOM

Moving On

Now its time to move on .. I have to accept & face facts for what they are .. I've held on to this long enough .. I prayed that all this would be over & done .. I tried to block out what I was feeling .. Then in blink of an eye .. I came face to face wit reality .. All those feelings I thought I had under control came flooding back .. I spazzed .. I was hurt .. I was so hurt .. Moving on now .. I'm gonna throw myself into loving me more .. Being a better mother to my kids .. They are at ages where they need more & more every other day .. LOL .. I need to stay focus .. Joy does come in the morning .. So thanks reality for being true to what you are .. Reality

Til Next Time

~Just As I Am~

Father's Day

Now today is Father's Day .. but what really is a father these days and times .. its more then giving your child their last name .. it more then signing the birth certificate .. it more then paying child support if the mother gets any .. its more then saying those my kids .. let's see .. father is going to be in their childs life come hell or high water .. there is nothing a mother could do about it .. fathers are going to be there to protect their children from hurt harm or danger .. fathers should be the ones that invoke fear into their children when that child no they done messed up .. fathers should be there to tell their daughters this dude is wrong dude .. fathers should be there to tell their sons how to be a man .. I'm not saying that there aren't men out there that aren't handling their biz .. cuz there are .. then there are the men that pay child support and call that being enough .. they hate their kids mother so much cuz she had baby that the baby goes wit out .. or say she keeping me from my child .. if a father really wants to be in their childs life .. there isn't a court or judge that will tell him he can't .. unless he done did some crazy shit .. once he got that order there is nothing that mother can say or do .. there are of mothers taking on role of being fathers .. why .. who else is gonna do it .. granted mothers can't teach a lil boy everything .. but all she can do is hope & pray that what she does teach him to be ready for what the world has to offer and hope that he makes right decisions in life .. so again I ask .. What Really Is A Father

Til Next Time

~Just As I Am~